When “Good Girl” Becomes a Cage: The Cost of Staying Small
You’ve done everything right. You’ve been kind, dependable, agreeable. You’ve worked hard, kept the peace, and made sure everyone around you was comfortable.
And yet—something inside is on a low simmer, quietly restless. There’s a tightness in your chest you can’t explain. A sense that, despite being “good” and ticking all the boxes, you’ve somehow disappeared from your own life. Maybe this manifests as a discontented edginess with no identifiable cause or a haziness as you go thru the motions…
This is the moment many women experience when the “good girl” conditioning begins to crack.
The Roots of the Good Girl
From early on, many of us were praised for being polite, helpful, and accommodating. We learned that when we made others comfortable and prioritized their needs, we got approval. But when we expressed need, anger, or disagreement, we were often met with disapproving “tsks.” (You know the one…the sucking of the teeth, followed by the heavy sigh.)
At first, being “good” felt like safety. It kept us connected, loved, and accepted. But over time, it also taught us to trade authenticity for belonging—to silence the parts of ourselves that might make others uncomfortable.
The result? A life that looks stable on the outside, but feels quietly suffocating on the inside.
The Hidden Cost of Staying Small
Living in the “good girl” role can come with subtle but deep costs:
You second-guess your feelings and choices. (the nagging thoughts: “Should I have done that? I hope they’re not mad/hurt.”)
You apologize for taking up space. (a million times saying “sorry” and then feeling bashful for apologizing when you know you shouldn’t have)
You say yes when you mean no—and feel resentment afterward. (When it comes time to deliver, you grin and bear it, because what would it look like if you changed your minds?!)
You measure your worth through how others see you. (a guaranteed set up for feeling like crap!)
Over time, this pattern erodes your sense of self. The body often tells the truth first: tension, fatigue, anxiety, or a feeling of numbness. You may not even realize how much emotional labor you carry until your system begins to rebel—through burnout, irritation, or a quiet longing for something “more.”
When the Good Girl Starts to Rebel
The breaking point often comes in midlife. Not because you’re broken, but because your inner self refuses to stay hidden any longer.
This season of life invites you to question:
What would it mean to stop earning worth and start inhabiting it?
What if saying no could feel like an act of self-respect, not selfishness?
What if you stopped trying to be liked, and started trying to be real?
This is not rebellion—it’s rebirth.
How EMDR Can Help You Step Out of the Cage
In EMDR therapy, we explore where the “good girl” rules were first written—often in moments of emotional learning from childhood: a disapproving look, a withdrawn parent, a conflict that felt too dangerous to revisit.
Through reprocessing, you begin to release the old emotional charge and see the event with new eyes. Your nervous system learns that you can feel safe without self-erasure.
You start to internalize new truths:
“My voice can coexist with love.”
“My boundaries can coexist with connection.”
“My needs are not a burden—they are part of being human.”
A New Definition of ‘Good’
What if being good no longer meant being quiet, accommodating, or endlessly giving?
What if “good” meant being honest, grounded, and kind—including to yourself?
The work of shedding the “good girl” isn’t about becoming an unrecognizable new person who is defiant or harsh. Quite the opposite! It’s about becoming whole—allowing every part of you, even the inconvenient ones, to exist without apology.
You were never meant to fit inside a role. You were meant to live from your truth.
Reflection Prompt
Think about a recent moment when you said yes even though part of you wanted to say no. Take a breath and gently ask yourself:
“What was I hoping to protect in that moment—connection, approval, peace, or something else?”
Notice what feelings arise in your body as you reflect. You don’t need to fix or judge your answer. Simply acknowledge the part of you that has worked so hard to keep you safe—and consider what it might need now to feel free.
About Dr Vicky Huangfu
Vicky is a first generation Chinese American who honors cultural heritage with humility and curiosity. Her passion is in helping women say the things that feel too hard to say; things like, "NO," "I am not OK," "I am OK," and "STFU!". As a clinical psychologist and EMDR-certified therapist for over 20 years, she is committed to providing a trauma-informed and affirming space where you can get in touch with what is true for you.
