Post-holiday Decompression: Letting Go of Childhood Coping Patterns
With the holidays behind us, I couldn’t wait to catch up with one of my closest friends. I expected her usual bright energy—but instead, she looked exhausted. Fresh from a family visit, she laughed tiredly and said the familiar roles, old triggers, and unspoken expectations were “on full display.”
She described a room where everyone talked over one another, competing to be heard, the volume rising as if louder meant safer. No one listening. At first, she found herself slipping automatically into an old childhood rhythm. Then she paused—recognizing the impulse and the futility of a strategy that once made sense, but no longer fits who she is or how she wants to move through the world.
Another friend noticed something similar. When tension surfaced with a family member, she defaulted to fawning—filling the space with meaningless chatter to distract from the elephant in the room. It’s a pattern she’s worked hard to notice and soften. But during the holidays, she shrugged and said, “Fuck it. It works. I don’t have it in me to do anything different. This feels safest.”
At some point in adulthood—often after family gatherings—many of us stumble into a quiet but unsettling question: Why does something that once helped me survive now feel like it’s holding me back?
The answer usually lives in the space between who you had to be as a child and who you’re allowed to be now. What protected you then may no longer serve you—and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.
Coping Is Not a Character Flaw
As children, we adapt. We learn—often unconsciously—what keeps us safe, connected, and emotionally intact in the environments we’re given.
You may have learned to:
stay quiet to avoid conflict
anticipate others’ needs to maintain harmony
achieve and perform to receive approval
suppress feelings to avoid being a burden
stay hyper-vigilant to remain prepared
These were not weaknesses.
They were intelligent responses to your environment.
Your nervous system learned what worked—and it worked well enough to get you through.
When Old Strategies Start to Cost You
The challenge arises when these same strategies follow you into adulthood, long after the original threat has passed.
What once kept you safe may now look like:
chronic people-pleasing
difficulty setting boundaries
emotional numbness or shutdown
anxiety when resting or slowing down
feeling responsible for others’ feelings
an inner voice that equates worth with productivity
These patterns can feel confusing—especially when, on the outside, your life may look “successful.”
But inside, there’s often exhaustion. Resentment. A sense of being trapped in roles you didn’t consciously choose.
Your Body Didn’t Get the Memo
Even when your adult mind knows you’re no longer in danger, your body may still be operating on outdated information.
The nervous system is not logical—it’s historical.
It responds based on what once kept you safe, not on what is currently true.
So when you:
say yes when you mean no
feel anxious asserting yourself
freeze when conflict arises
push through burnout instead of resting
Your body isn’t sabotaging you.
It’s protecting you the only way it knows how.
Growth Isn’t About Erasing Coping—It’s About Updating It
Healing does not require you to shame or “get rid of” old coping strategies.
Instead, it asks:
Is this still necessary?
What does my system need now?
What feels safer, not just familiar?
This work is not about becoming someone entirely new.
It’s about expanding your capacity—so you have more choices.
You’re allowed to:
rest without earning it
have needs without explaining them
take up space without apology
respond instead of react
Why This Work Can Feel So Uncomfortable
Letting go of old coping mechanisms can feel surprisingly destabilizing.
Even when they cause pain, they are known. Predictable. Familiar.
Change can bring grief:
grief for the child who had to adapt
grief for the years spent surviving
grief for the version of you that was praised for being “easy,” “strong,” or “low-maintenance”
All of that deserves tenderness.
Moving Forward, Gently
Healing happens slowly—often through the body, not just insight.
Modalities like EMDR and other trauma-informed approaches help the nervous system learn that:
safety can exist alongside boundaries
connection doesn’t require self-abandonment
rest does not equal danger
your worth is not conditional
This is not about becoming less capable.
It’s about becoming less constrained.
A Closing Reflection
If your coping strategies are starting to feel heavy, rigid, or exhausting, it may not be a failure.
It may be a sign that you are no longer living in the world that required them.
And that is not something to fix—it’s something to honor.
Reflection Prompt
What is one coping strategy you developed early in life that once protected you—and what might it be asking to soften or evolve now?
About Dr Vicky Huangfu
Vicky is a first generation Chinese American who honors cultural heritage with humility and curiosity. Her passion is in helping women say the things that feel too hard to say; things like, "NO," "I am not OK," "I am OK," and "STFU!". As a clinical psychologist and EMDR-certified therapist for over 20 years, she is committed to providing a trauma-informed and affirming space where you can get in touch with what is true for you.
